Dear Prospective Penis,
I am currently accepting applications for admission, however, there are a few things you should know in advance about my vagina:
1. Me and my vagina have a long history.
2. My vagina knows all. She can tell when you’ve been somewhere you shouldn’t.
3. Vaginas are self cleaning!
4. My mother has one. So did her mother. I come from a long line of vaginas and so do you.
5. Some are hairy, some are bald, some are vagazzeled and some are pierced – ALL are beautiful.
6. Here’s how to know when you are welcome to enter, it’ll be wet, like a rainy day, so make sure to wear your rubber.
Thank you for your interest and please feel free to respond with the top six reasons why my penis is right for your vagina.
Tracy Lane (owner and operator of one amazing vagina )
This is what happens when you find yourself single and sitting in a “You Will Heal and Love” seminar. I knew I was in for some hippy dippy shit when the key speaker kicked it off with “When was the last time you looked at your vagina in a mirror?”
um. where’s the exit?…no, must stay, must heal current situation!
In order to properly document the reason behind me attending seminar let’s look at the photographic evidence as it relates to singledom and cat.
Threat level: moderate.
But then a certain cat decided to take over a recently vacant spot in my bed in a rather agressive manner.
Threat level: “Danger, Will Robinson!”
According to the Law of Attraction this is not a good situation, cat is not allowing for a new man to enter the equation. Tracy + Cat divided by current sleeping arrangement = single. Scary cat lady single.
And for the record I have A cat, “A” meaning one. Nero. I admit that I take his picture and sometimes I video and yes, okay, I have become THE cat person in my circle of friends. The one you send the funny cat video, cartoon or photo etc. Yup, I am now THAT person. So situation is more intense than I thought. Fuck.
When the “Love Yourself” speaker told the audience to go home and grab a hand mirror and take notes, be creative and writer a letter – “get to know your vagina inside and out”, I thought I had crossed over in 1972, but apparently vaginas are the key to unlocking all your hidden pain.
The speaker’s misson was to talk to my vagina, well, all vaginas for that matter, as if they were the last vaginas in the world, a world filled with fake vaginas, plastic non-loving non-natural vaginas.
“Women of today are on the quest for the ideal vagina. Accepting and loving your vagina is the first step in owning your sexuality. We must take a stand against vagina rejuvenation surgery and labiaplasty. Ladies learn to love your labia! Most men believe any vagina is good vagina. So leave the glow sticks and sparkly stuff for your arts and crafts and and let your vagina shine all on its own. And if you run into a guy who says the unthinkable, that your vagina is ugly, just hand him a picture of his testicles and send him on his way.”
I am a good student, but I still woke up in the middle of the night to this:
In the end I realized it’s not about a penis (although I am a big fan of them) it’s all about the love of a great pussy…and I got two of them.