- Do you “borrow” a girl’s cell phone in order to get her digits because she won’t give them to you?
- Do you ignore her when she tells you that “you are too young to date” because you are “Philly’s Johnny Depp”? Chicks dig you – she will dig you -you’ve got muscles – lots of them.
- When lifting heavy stuff do you do it slowly – like you have an audience?
- Do you make sure she sees you flexing even if you are standing still doing nothing?
- Does your late model Honda have a custom paint job reflecting your deep love for Louis Vuitton?
- Do you show her your “stage combat reel” the one with you running around in a loin cloth with a tomahawk set to the musical stylings of Green Day (including a lot of slow motion and close-ups of your abs)? Do you consider this your answer to what is foreplay?
- Do you go for the “let me give you a back massage move” because you think it’s not creepy at all? If she walks away the second you try to touch her – do you think that she’s just playing hard to get?
- Do you text her with some “flowery talk” because girls like that?
Philly’s Johnny Depp: What up?
ME: Who is this?
Philly’s Johnny Depp: ******
ME: How did you get my number?
Philly’s Johnny Depp: 😉
Philly’s Johnny Depp: What’s your favorite color?
ME: I don’t have one.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: Favorite dessert?
Me: Anything with chocolate -nothing with fake fruit flavor.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: fav movie?
ME: I don’t Sophie’s Choice my favorite movies.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: Flower?
ME: just circle ‘d’ all of the above.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: huh?
ME: clearly you are running some sort of psych test on me…let me cut to the chase: I am too crazy for you.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: LOL Ur funny & ur hot. lets hang.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: you be missin out on this
Philly’s Johnny Depp: (PIC)* Philly’s Johnny Depp throwing a gang sign, shirtless, flexing in a bathroom mirror – the flash obscuring his face (and yes you can smell the Drakkar through the phone.)
Diagnosis: There is only one Johnny Depp, just ask Richard Grieco and no, I am not interested and no, I am not just being “cute” and yes, you are a douche.