you probably met me.
you probably know me.
you might be me.
you are not alone.
Where the fuck have I been?
I know it seems like I just disappear from blogging for a week or two, but I have FOUR very good reasons:
I watched my stepfather die, it’s not something you just bounce back from – it’s sort of been like a slow drowning. The timing was ironic in that Alanis Morissette way – meaning it was fucked up in a way that has nothing to do with irony…I had just married my sister to her high school sweetheart and here I was, barely a week a later, performing the service for a burial.
Frank E. Campbell – The Funeral Chapel (since 1898) located on Madison Avenue on the Upper East Side of Manhattan handled the arrangements. If you are a New York legend this is where you go when you die.
…and they have swag. Funeral home swag!
Let me back up…
I went to use the bathroom at the funeral parlor, because I figured that the bathroom of Frank E. Campbell – The Funeral Chapel (since 1898) wouldn’t disappoint and it didn’t. It had thick embossed disposable hand towels, you know the kind, the ones you feel guilty for using because they are some weird hybrid of paper towel and permanent towel – THEY ARE THAT THICK! – you can’t throw them out – cause that’s wasteful – yet, you can’t re-use them – cause that’s gross…it is basically the closest you can get to wiping your hands with a $5 bill…and yes, I had this entire debate with myself in front of their intimidatingly enormous gold gilded mirror.
The swag left out on the bathroom counter consisted of little packets of personalized Kleenex, mints, and individual hand sanitizers all of which made it into my purse – because I thought you too would like to see what goes on inside the majestic Frank E. Campbell – The Funeral Chapel (since 1898).
…and we all know how I feel about office supplies…hmm, could I be the girl that rolls with a “funeral chapel” folder in the mix? …Totally.
They also have a list of “additional services and merchandise” ranging from $7.50 to $29,500:
*P.S. I’d like a definition of “Death Mask” – isn’t that redundant?
**P.P.S. And what exactly is “Thumbies Fingerprint Jewelry”?
Simply put – it is not cheap to die, especially when Frank E. Campbell is showing you the way.
A Marine and an accomplished athlete, having been the first freshman to play the number 1 spot on the Yale Varsity tennis team:
captain of the Yale Varsity cross country team:
but most importantly he was a gentleman – the kind the world doesn’t see much of anymore.
I miss him.
4. The Kiss.
It was one of those magical New York City kisses – the kind that happens on a street corner at night with sky scraper lights twinkling behind you. It was the kind of kiss that every time you close your eyes, even days later – the feeling of his lips on yours melts you into a puddle – and you forget things like the days of the week, the 10 trillion digits of Pi and the fact that you live 3,000 miles away.
There was just something about him, the way he waited for all of us to exit the elevator, then gently placed his hand on my lower back, guiding me out of the door…then it hit me – this is what a gentleman does. It is the type of behavior that is like a mirage to a girl like me – especially after spending the past two years dating in the desert cesspool known as Los Angeles…and it was the exact thing I had seen my stepfather do with my mom for over the past 20 years. Here was a man that knew how to treat a woman like she is a treasure.
Mr. Sweep-Me-Off-My-Feet is not my type. By type, I mean he’s deliciously normal, like I’ve got health insurance and a stable job normal…like he hasn’t done any hard time or committed any major felonies…ever! (I’m not just talking in the last four years either…)
I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, but I asked him before we parted on the sidewalk of one of the most magical cities in the world – to bite my arm – hard. He looked at me like I was insane, but I just wanted to walk around for the next couple of days with his teeth marks imprinted in my skin. I needed to be reminded that although one gentleman had left this earthly plane, there was still a man out there breathing the same air as me, one who knows how to treat a woman and make her feel like she has finally come home.
So that’s where I’ve been…
Sorry for the break from my slice of awesomeness, but I’ve been in upstate New York busting my ass helping my sister with her DIY wedding to her high school sweetheart:
My mom was a little worried about how the groom’s family would feel about me performing the ceremony since it’s a “non-traditional” choice. So I decided to make everyone more comfortable by wearing a super short backless sparkle dress and no bra for the occasion:
and then proceeded to announce that “I am totally single” DURING the ceremony – no, I am not kidding and yes, there’s proof (*I was born without a filter – it’s part of my
Then there was the moment where I bet the Best Man that my Maid-of-Honor speech would kick his ass and if it didn’t, I’d take off my clothes. Well, the creeper DJ announced the bet to the crowd before the toast – which sparked an 11 year old guest to ask her Mom – “Is the Pastor really going to take her clothes off?”
To make matters a little bit more interesting I hadn’t planned my speech at all and thought I’d wing it – which resulted in this:
Um. yup, I went there. (*and yes, I need a thesaurus because the various forms of true, truly, believe, believer, believing were beaten to death.)
I’d like to say that this was the most inappropriate thing I did, but then you don’t know me very well.
At the end of the night my sister and I were standing in front of the crowd going around the room thanking various people for their hard work and my sister mentioned the absence of my father and step-father who were too ill to attend the wedding and that’s when we both broke down with a case of the ugly cry…..so, what do I do? With my white knuckled grip on the microphone I announce “I don’t normally cry in public, I am just ovulating.”
On a brighter note more than a couple of people asked me for my “pastor card” – which is all kinds of interesting – for one thing I didn’t know pastors carried cards, and two maybe times are changing and people want their weddings performed with touches of sparkle, miniskirts, bra-less-ness, updates concerning ovulation schedule, and spontanious announcements regarding relationship status – followed by a plea to meet the single men after the ceremony.
I didn’t have a card – so I directed the kind people to my blog, tracy lane is not a virgin, when the words tumbled out of my mouth – I didn’t stop there – I then finished with “oh, yeah, and my first post is a picture of my ass.”
So that’s where I’ve been…I won’t mention the caterer that “allegedly” (don’t sue me) pulled a gun on a guest or the other rather x-rated antics of some of the wilder guests because I am now an official conduit of God (just ask the Universal Life Church). I have vows to protect – so feel free to confess all your darkest secrets to me – I promise I won’t tell or testify or …wait, I am really bad at keeping secrets and I suck at lying….whatever… my sister is now happily married and I am still totally single – but can now marry other people, which is awesome in that I’m never a bride always the priest sort of way.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: What up?
ME: Who is this?
Philly’s Johnny Depp: ******
ME: How did you get my number?
Philly’s Johnny Depp: 😉
Philly’s Johnny Depp: What’s your favorite color?
ME: I don’t have one.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: Favorite dessert?
Me: Anything with chocolate -nothing with fake fruit flavor.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: fav movie?
ME: I don’t Sophie’s Choice my favorite movies.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: Flower?
ME: just circle ‘d’ all of the above.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: huh?
ME: clearly you are running some sort of psych test on me…let me cut to the chase: I am too crazy for you.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: LOL Ur funny & ur hot. lets hang.
Philly’s Johnny Depp: you be missin out on this
Philly’s Johnny Depp: (PIC)* Philly’s Johnny Depp throwing a gang sign, shirtless, flexing in a bathroom mirror – the flash obscuring his face (and yes you can smell the Drakkar through the phone.)
Diagnosis: There is only one Johnny Depp, just ask Richard Grieco and no, I am not interested and no, I am not just being “cute” and yes, you are a douche.
Phone conversation with Paul:
PAUL: Why are you whispering?
ME: Because I’m hiding in my bathroom and I don’t want him to hear me. Do you think my tub is cast iron? (I climb in – fully clothed)… Better?
PAUL: I don’t know what I’m suppose to be comparing it to – sounds the same.
ME: (closing the shower curtain) Now?
ME: How ’bout now? (lying down in tub)
PAUL. Same, but with reverb. You need to stop with the whole cat thing – it’s border line psycho. I know you think he understands what you are saying, but Italian is his first language, followed by German, Russian and then English. Things get lost in translation, that’s why you need to leave the TV on when you go out and don’t start spelling stuff. He can read.
ME: HE’S HERE!
PAUL: Who? The creepy repair man? How many times do I have to tell you that vacuuming in heels and lingerie, channeling your inner Maggie The Cat*, is weird. People will ask you about it.
(*Some people dress as their favorite superhero, I prefer to dress as my favorite damaged Tennessee Williams’ character – alternating with Alfred Hitchcock’s icy blondes.)
ME: Nooooooo. Six-Feet-of-Shoulders is here. In. My. Bed.
ME: Shuuuuuuushhh…he’ll hear you.
PAUL: Why the fuck are you on the phone with me and why isn’t he inside of you?
ME: If an Incubus was in your bed – you’d better call me too.
ME: I’m not dreaming am I? Like Inception but with you, me, the Incubus that is a sleeping Six-Feet-of-Shoulders and a bathtub? Tell me something I don’t know so I know this isn’t a dream.
PAUL: How am I suppose to know what you know and what you don’t know?
ME: Tell me something I don’t know about you that only you know and then I’ll say it back when you come over.
PAUL: I woke up this morning being spooned by Wentworth Miller, it wasn’t until I reached back to grab his ass that I realized it was just a pillow.
ME: You thought Wentworth Miller would fit in your twin bed?
PAUL: I thought he was the pillow!
ME: Maybe obsessively watching old episodes of Prison Break on Netflix does more harm than good; it’s why I limit my consumption of the Jane Austen BBC stuff.
PAUL: The real problem is his name, it’s just not conducive to hot sex. Like am I suppose to say Oh God, Yes – give it to me Wentworth?!?! It sounds too formal and don’t even think of coming back with “Wenty” or “Mr. Miller”.
ME: What about “Baby”? It’s universal – just in case you’re thinking of someone else.
PAUL: Why would I be thinking of someone else when I have Wentworth fucking Miller in my twin bed?
ME: Maybe things have grown stale, the kids are driving you nuts, he doesn’t take out the trash unless you ask him and the guy fixing the Porsche is driving you crazy.
PAUL: You know I only drive cars that can fit a dead body in the trunk.
ME: That’s just it, it’s Wentworth’s Porsche. It’s another reason you are pissed. He’s treating you like an errand boy, not the devoted husband of 10 years, all the more reason to let the mechanic throw you up against the hood of Wenty’s Porsche and make you feel like a man.
PAUL: Do you think Wentworth Miller could love me?
ME: I don’t see how he couldn’t, although him being straight might be a complication.
PAUL: I’ve flipped the best of them.
ME: Are you gonna come over so I can find out if I am dreaming?
PAUL: What about sex with Incubus?
ME: What if it’s all in my head and I end up having sex with a ghost? I don’t think you come back from that… you get pregnant with Satan’s love child like Rosemary’s Baby or make pottery with a half naked Patrick Swayze – either way it’s not pretty.
PAUL: I have no idea what you are talking about.
“Is that a sex toy in your purse?” Hoops asks.
For once in my life why can’t I be the girl that has a nine inch bright pink dildo stashed in her purse at half past noon on a Thursday?
Instead I am the girl that believes she is going to get a tumor on the side of her face due to the amount of time logged on my cell phone.
“It’s my headset.” I say.
Which sounds as sexy as admitting that I sleep with a mouth guard. Which brings me to the next question: when do you break out the mouth guard? All this… let’s sleep over – not have sex and let me not wear my mouth guard is causing dental guilt. See how I totally need to be Dildo Girl? Dildo Girl wouldn’t be talking about dental hygiene.
I blame my mother for this. She bought me the pink Barbie headset and look what she uses for her land line: